The void. Emptiness. Non-existence. It is the thing that truly makes me feel that unwelcome sensation at the bottom of my belly, it is enough to drive me momentarily insane and to ruin my sunday for good. The very essential controversy in me is that when I create, meditate, write or do something alike, I try to get rid of myself. I need to reach the void of thoughts, of things, and merely just "be", be the hand that draws the line, beats the drum, writes the word. My whole essence is in whatever I am creating, it is my meditation. I would only be in the way of such event. I am not needed, I am but a vessel. My self does not do those things, it is merely involved like an antenna is involved when you listen to music in your radio. You could easily change the antenna, and the music would still flow through.
Still, I am so in love with this world and everything in it, that I find it really hard to think about letting go of it. To be more accurate, letting go of the chance to EXPERIENCE it. Death is such a terrifying idea, because it is inevitable, if I could choose when I am ready, when I have seen enough, it would put my mind at ease, but I think my life will be too short. I think any life would, because there's always something new to learn, something new to experience, some new traumas to face and absorb. But today I finally had one thought. Maybe the years may teach me how to face my mortality. I am still young. I can't expect to have my conscious mind as it is, it is always expanding, creating new connections. Maybe my potential children may show me, that the world will be left in good hands. I sure hope so.
And even if not, I hope that in time I will reach the point of understanding, enlightenment of some sort. I hope I get to be old, because in a way I've always wanted to be old. To be a father, a grandfather, someone who can proudly look at his children, and think the absurd thought that these people came out of my balls, and now they are creating people with other people. And to make sure there'll be clever, intelligent and wise people in the future too. I think this is my way of saying: World, I love you. I hope we all shape up and start a new sort of peaceful revolution for a better tomorrow, save the environment and each other, accept everyone for who they are and feed the starving nations with whatever little we've got. Life is great, enjoy it.