sunnuntai 29. syyskuuta 2013

I can't breathe.

I'm having a bad moment. Yeah. Everybody has those. Remember when you were kids and you played the blanket game with your mom, your kindergarten teacher or your babysitter? The game where you lie on the floor and people around you let a blanket or a curtain or a sheet to fall on your face and you laugh and have fun? I'm feeling like that, except the blanket is a ton of bricks and I'm not having fun or laughing. I just took a five kilometer walk to realign and to get some fresh air, and it feels like it did not help at all. I've been listening to Massive Attack and Peter Dolving and tried to face the things that cause this kind of thought patterns, but it did not help. I can't draw or play music, so I turned to my last straw, writing.

Sundays are usually heavy like this. I guess I have had too many good sundays, and now I have to face the Mother Sunday, with all it's gloom and weight. It's just quite exhausting.. And I'd rather not feel like this. And I know it's due to some really minor shit. Just some usually silent part of me wanting the attention of that significant other, but of course you can't drag another person down just because you feel like shit, so I rather keep my distance and try to disolve this by myself. I was thinking of how I seem to be unable to physically cry until someone dies. When death is involved in anyway, I'm a softie. It has always been my greatest nemesis. I am not afraid of dying, I am terrified by the state of non-existence, and though I know it is inevitable, I can't accept it. It's the biggest controversy in my personality, because I would not want to exist forever, I know this life has it's value because it is short, random and unexpected. That's why I do shitloads of stuff, to really give it all the attention and value it deserves, to respect life. Still it's sometimes hard to face the burden of existence, everything that comes with it, this flesh puppet that I appear to be dragging with me where ever I go. Sometimes it does quite cool stuff, though, I just recently drew these:
Intelligence, Compassion and Understanding.

Body, Soul and Spirit
And still I don't feel any better. I can't rejoice for anything I have done, because it's all in the past. I need to create to be somewhat sure of my existence, it is all just huge existential manifest, a proof to myself that I am.  Nothing I have done in the past matters to me, though they may fit some other moment as well, but still the past is not the present, and I am in presence, so I need to validate my waste of space and oxygen somehow. And if I can't get shit out, like right now, I get frustrated and anxcious. That's why I need to write... a lot.. Now.

2 kommenttia:

  1. Täs oli ihan diippii settii, mut ainoa asia mistä mulle tuli mieleen kommentoida on tää: REALIGN MAINITTU! LAHDEN MUSIIKKIOPISTO 2005 666!

    1. Tiijäkkö, se sama tuli mulle tuota sanaa kirjoittaessa välähdyksenomaisena mieleen. Vittu 2005, nevö forget!