sunnuntai 29. syyskuuta 2013

I can't breathe.

I'm having a bad moment. Yeah. Everybody has those. Remember when you were kids and you played the blanket game with your mom, your kindergarten teacher or your babysitter? The game where you lie on the floor and people around you let a blanket or a curtain or a sheet to fall on your face and you laugh and have fun? I'm feeling like that, except the blanket is a ton of bricks and I'm not having fun or laughing. I just took a five kilometer walk to realign and to get some fresh air, and it feels like it did not help at all. I've been listening to Massive Attack and Peter Dolving and tried to face the things that cause this kind of thought patterns, but it did not help. I can't draw or play music, so I turned to my last straw, writing.

Sundays are usually heavy like this. I guess I have had too many good sundays, and now I have to face the Mother Sunday, with all it's gloom and weight. It's just quite exhausting.. And I'd rather not feel like this. And I know it's due to some really minor shit. Just some usually silent part of me wanting the attention of that significant other, but of course you can't drag another person down just because you feel like shit, so I rather keep my distance and try to disolve this by myself. I was thinking of how I seem to be unable to physically cry until someone dies. When death is involved in anyway, I'm a softie. It has always been my greatest nemesis. I am not afraid of dying, I am terrified by the state of non-existence, and though I know it is inevitable, I can't accept it. It's the biggest controversy in my personality, because I would not want to exist forever, I know this life has it's value because it is short, random and unexpected. That's why I do shitloads of stuff, to really give it all the attention and value it deserves, to respect life. Still it's sometimes hard to face the burden of existence, everything that comes with it, this flesh puppet that I appear to be dragging with me where ever I go. Sometimes it does quite cool stuff, though, I just recently drew these:
Intelligence, Compassion and Understanding.

Body, Soul and Spirit
And still I don't feel any better. I can't rejoice for anything I have done, because it's all in the past. I need to create to be somewhat sure of my existence, it is all just huge existential manifest, a proof to myself that I am.  Nothing I have done in the past matters to me, though they may fit some other moment as well, but still the past is not the present, and I am in presence, so I need to validate my waste of space and oxygen somehow. And if I can't get shit out, like right now, I get frustrated and anxcious. That's why I need to write... a lot.. Now.

perjantai 13. syyskuuta 2013

About reviews...

Why I Enjoy Reading Reviews Like This...

Well, we've done shitloads of records and sent them to many reviewers during our relatively short existence. Actually I think it'll be five years in just two weeks, so happy birthday to us. Because we lack the money to press more than 100 CD's at the time, it doesn't really matter how much we "promote" anything. And I resent the thought of "promotion" to begin with. It's just one more music-business thought driven to the skulls of musicians as it was somehow fundamental part of making music. It is not. And in our case it does not make that much of a difference. We still have those hundred copies and some shirts to sell on our shows, just  to get us back home from where-ever-the-fuck-we-are. So after sending them out and getting back chickenshitreviews that just say "Well it's grindcore. It sounds like Nasum to me." I thought is it actually worth it? Why just send it out to people who don't get what it's all about, don't give it enough time and just fire some more clichés you can read from every single grind review the same dude happens to write. I decided (no matter how elitist this may sound to some) that I rather read reviews that actually give me the impression, that the one putting it together actually LISTENS TO the music and respects music, no matter if he likes this particular album or not.

And lately I've been pretty annoyed by all punk/metal reviews I've read. They always get stuck on the sounds of the album. Of course they are somewhat initial part of music, ours too. Especially live, to reach the cathartic madness it's all about the resonance and dissonance and all that jazz. But everytime I read another soundreview, something inside me asks "what about the songs? How about them? Are they any good to Your Personal Liking?" Since every review is always a subjective view, I want the reviewer to give his actual subjective opinion, the way he sees things. The focus in music should always be on the work the musicians have done, not in the final mix which usually is a result of many accidents and incidents (for example with this record we had some sort of compatibility problems with the programs and the machines used, and it kept bouncing songs with different, unnatural speed and we needed to record them on a handyrecorder and feed them back to computer for mastering and it was kinda tiring process, anything can and probably will happen.)

Everyone can, and pretty much does reviews now. So we decided to give this to only those people, who I thought would actually listen to it. We sent it to Inferno Magazine, and to two webzines (Grind To Death, which made this review, and Damned By Light, which has always given us honest and interesting reviews.) Especially these webzines get my full respect for the work they have done for this sort of music (not just grindcore, but this under-the-radar-sort of music.) If you have a blog or webzine or a real zine or whatever, you understand something about grindcore (YOU DON'T NEED TO LIKE IT!) and you want to write a review of our newest album The Doors Of Deception, send us e-mail at

Also if you have too much money in your hands and you want to book us a show, or a short tour, we'll be more than happy to come. Here's the few shows we know for now:
-20.9 Motör Pub, Lahti
-5.10 PRKL-klubi, Helsinki
-7.12 Torvi (Famine Year, Cause For Effect)

And  I almost forgot, I'll be adding The Doors of Deception to our bandcamp sometime soon..

sunnuntai 1. syyskuuta 2013

Noise & Resonance as meditation.

I've been reading Jung's Polemic Essays, and there was quite a few that got me thinking. Today I read one about noise, and how people escape the silence into the numbing arms of loud noise. That is probably more true today than it was back in 1957, when the letter was originally written. We have surrounded ourselves with machines, screens and beeping things that keep our attention occupied nearly 24 hours a day, for quite a fe people probably pretty much exactly 24 hours a day. We use noise to distract ourselves, to drown and to numb that inner voice we all have. Because the ambitious whores of marketing have also realized this, they have filled in the void. Advertising has become the inner voice, it feeds us expectations, needs, urges and deeper cravings faster than we could ever develop ourselves, and because all thes voices seem so realistic, we take them as our own inner voices and let them volunteerly distract us. Why? Because their demands are easier to fulfill, than the ones' that other sound that we used to have, conscience, had in it's mind. This voice tells me I will be perfectly happy after buying a new set of furniture, the other would inquire that there's something wrong with ME, and that I would need to get off my ass and actually CHANGE something in myself...Fucketh that shite, new couch it is!

These people are afraid of silence and try to fill the gaps in noise. They have an almost neurotic need to create noise. They get frustrated and angry if they are forced to endure real silence. Silence introduces you to that other inner voice, that tells you those things you usually don't want to hear. I have spent most of my teen age years in the silence of the nature, of course it is not void of sounds, but most of those soundscapes it offers are tranquility in their own right. It's the complete void of mechanical sounds, of mechanical rhythm all these sounds have. It has it's own rhythm, which is way more chaotic, but essentially more soothing to all human beings. This is what disturbs me in almost all music: It is not chaotic enough. It is safe, it's rhythm is most of the time mechanical and dull (mainly because of metronomes, which bore the shit out of me, it kills the natural dynamics between different human beings playing in the same room) For this reason I have tried to create and find music, that would be chaotic enough, to be transcending enough to actually help me feel peace. I want music to be natural. No matter if someone thinks it sounds like shit, as long as it sounds natural, it's still more interesting than 98% per cent of everything else.

This is why I seek peace in The Resonance. It's quite hard to explain without sounding like a complete moron. I think everything is pretty much vibrations, resonance, interaction between things. Resonance is something that (according to string-theory) keeps the universe together, and to me it's the ultimate display of power. I find peace in the extremes. Either complete silence, or then the loudest possible dischord you can strike out of a guitar.. I never feel such peace as during the shows, when the guitar is resonating with full blast, to me those are the moments of peace most people find in drug abuse, they are the moments of complete freedom. I have no ego, no self, no ME. I need nothing. As long as my brother plays that guitar and our friend hits the drums as hard as he possibly can, I am complete. Without Self. It's pure, trance-like state. It's sort of Noise Meditation, that crushes me and rebuilds me from a scratch. It's the greatest force I ever knew. I need that experience every time I play live. If I don't actually get it, it leaves me thinking if this was worth doing anyway. That's why I feel somewhat uncomfortable doing anything else besides shouting. Singing-wise, I mean. I need to have that sound resonating through my whole existence, and there is probably nothing more effective, than screaming. It is something you do with your whole body, with your whole mind, and even with your soul. Soul is our conscience, third person-mind that helps us reflect on our own actions. When I scream on stage, all these three sides that create this Self are concentrating in just one thing, they are all just one force that comes out of my mouth. It leaves me exhausted, drained from all the shit I carry in my head, and I am ready to take another week of ordinary life with it's ordinary's ordinary shit.