maanantai 12. elokuuta 2013

All is well for now.

At the moment, I really love my life. I value everything I have. I get to play a decent amount of shows, I get to let out some steam that would probably destroy me if I couldn't. It keeps my shadows at their dark corners, since I get to illuminate my spirit with friendship, love, hate, all the huge emotions of the human scale. I get to express my emotions, I get to express my existential being, my subconscious through art and this writing-thingy. It's all connected in a way. It maintains balance, so that I have it at least somewhere in my life. I struggle to maintain the balance. I know it is a frail thing. I appear to be in good shape mentally, but it's all because of the on going work, I need to get to express myself to maintain the balance. If there's a longer break between the shows, people around me WILL know. Other people intoxicate their minds, not to maintain balance, not even to achieve it, but to wipe all their problems of the table. It doesn't make them go away. Even if they are scattered all around your floor, they're still in the room. And when the sunday comes crashing in, you need to pick em all up, put them back on the table and face them anyway. So I know I'm doing alright, I guess.

Last time I think I wrote about standing on the verge of something new. Now that new phase has unfolded in front of my eyes, and what a ravishing sight it has been. A girl. I made myself a promise almost two years ago. Never again will I try to act against my nature. That includes human relationships. I was certain there will never be anyone again. I've stopped searching for love, because I thought it is just a temporary mess in your hormones and inner-most chemistry and someone's feromones just tickle you in the right way for like a week and then they drop, and people confuse this strange crush for love. I thought relationships are just packages of endless compromises and settling for someone, because that is the pattern I've seen repeating itself all around me throughout my life. The only difference was made by my grandparents. but I thought it was just the exception in the rule.

Then this person entered my life. In a rather short period of time she made me realize there was something special about her, but still I kept all my guards up. I, as I once put it, am an agnostic of love. We met online, which is not that strange these days, I've met most of my friends online anyway, as I've written before. I agreed to meet her, and from the first moment I saw her it all just fell in it's place. I knew I never want to be with another person again. Still we did not consider it love at first. Since we both were kinda on our toes, we just kept smiling and staring at each other. We smiled, because we both thought pretty much the same thing, and we both knew we were thinking the same thoughts: This is so natural, it's fucking strange! I've never felt this natural with another human being, not even with my brother with whom I have lived all my life this far. We started instantly planning a trip to go meet all our families and relatives, how many of you have done that on a first date, huh? Couple of weeks later we did it. We went to meet each other's folks, we we're together 24/7 for two weeks and for almost 2 000 kilometres, and I can tell from experience that in such time you'll find annoying characteristics from anyone. Nothing. Nada. Her expriences and past have led her path to go together with mine. I feel deep gratitude for that. There's shitloads of random events and near-collisions in our lives, and still we met just now. It makes me even doubt the randomness of all, since it seems like we were bound to converge and eventually collide. I am not sure what I believe. I'm not superstitious, I approach this life as bare as it is, there are just people coloring nature with mysticism and that's pretty much it. Still, I can't help feeling love and feeling that for the first time in my life I really am loved. It's not a competition, it's not a struggle to maintain yourself in the endless ocean of compromise. It's just me and her, being our own individual selves and still being able to sleep in the smallest imaginable Toyota Yaris comfortably. We both have our personal space, and we both respect that. If that is not love, I don't know what is.

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