keskiviikko 26. syyskuuta 2012

Ups and downs.

Life, indeed, is a peculiar thing. At one moment you can be higher than you've ever felt before, basking in the holy light of the ever-glowing goddess of love and fertility, the Sun. You can find yourself happy, surrounded by friends and people who love you and share your interests. Then, in a blink of an eye, your'e left alone with strangers, in a world crowded with only opposing views and you feel like everyday is just another round in a MMA-cage, only that you're fighting lions and snakes instead of those husky fellas you see on TV. Eventually, you get worn out.

I have all my life felt somewhat excluded here in Finland. I know it is also self-inflicted. When I see that people have features and habits I don't want to absorb, I go back to my shell, return to my safe isolation. Because I rather be alone, than give in to cynicism and negativity of the average people. I don't want to live the life of settling for less, I don't want to stop striving towards the goal I see. That goal is to be free to express myself in any way I want. I know it will eventually pay off. Huge factor in my exclusion is my choice not to consume drugs or alcohol, to keep my body free from intoxicants and to keep my inner clarity at all times. It has taught me to be what I am, a solitary man.

Life is always a series of ups and downs, most of the time they are entangled into one and you can't see the importance of bad experiences as you go through them. I can easily say, that even the worst times of my life have given me shitloads of tools for survival. Still, now as I look at the upcoming first anniversary of my grandfather's passing, second of my grandmother's, third of my mother's side grandmother's, and fourth or fifth of my grandgrandmother's, I can't help myself thinking that I am going to lose someone close to me really soon. It haunts me, and it makes me feel sick. Traumas are the stickiest matter in the universe.

I have to re-evaluate myself, destroy everything and rebuild myself from a scratch. I do it practically every year. I know how my head works, and I'm glad I do. Most people have no idea. It gives me time to think and plan the future.. The only thing is that when I try, everyone tells me "well, you seem to be fine now." Not knowing it, they are dragging me further down, making the eventual demise faster and more drastic. It is a rejection of my worries on their part, but I can't blame them. They don't mean it. But know, I think I am about to hit my lowpoint. After that.. it'll hopefully start the process of healing.

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