Every single day of this life, to me at least, is a gift. I am always aware of the presence of possibility of non-existence, and no matter how bad cards this life will deal me, I rather take them than fold. I will enjoy this life to it's bitter, or sour end, because I have no choice. I have never understood truly what it would mean not to exist, and I am not afraid to admit that it scares the shit out of me. I love life. I love every aspect there is to it. Music especially, resonating sounds that can bring forth so much hidden or forgotten emotions, just by vibrating at different frequencies. It is something truly amazing, astonishing, powerfull. As long as I can hear music and let it move some essence of emotions and consciousness inside me, I know I am alive. If I ever get to grow old, I might be one weird grandpa, listening to Neurosis, telling grandchildren stories about the rise and fall of Finnish grindcore, all the acid heads, dope fiends and hobos I have encountered along the way, telling them to listen to their own brain instead of heart, because heart keeps pounding "Fuck something! Fuck something! Fuck something!" but your brain might have something far more interesting to share.
As I consider the chance of simply "not-being", I feel chills down my spine. This is something I've struggled with all my life. The fear of non-existence, not that much the fear of dying. To me it's quite all the same how it will happen, I don't want it to happen at all. The years from 4 to 16 were really, really hard for me. It was constant middle age crisis, kicking and screaming against my mortality. I know I have not accepted it yet, but I hope I one day will. I think it is unlikely to happen, but I hope that through some kind of meditation, through deeper concentration and examination of my own consciousness, I could figure out what this mind, and this life too, is all about. Is it all just subjective, is it all just made for me? Then who would have come up with it, and why all the trouble of creating this world a history of conflicts and dying, is it just to make me aware, to catch my interest so that I can grab it's tail and start educating myself towards this direction? Is this the right direction?
Or do we just share this common delusion of absence of dying, which happens to be conscious life? We tend to think the other way around, that death is actually the could, persistent absence of life, whereas shadow is the absence of light. But to be honest, the universe is filled with darkness and death, and the life and the light are the exceptions to this common rule. It may be reconciling to think that there would be another conscious race cursed with life somewhere there in the space, but it would not matter.. We could probably never reach it anyway.
I know at some level all beings share my fear, it just takes different form in their eyes. They are afraid of the evolutionary signifacant forms of dying, snakes, spiders, darkness, high places, I am just afraid of dying. Becoming just dead matter, giving all my particles away is kind of a beautiful thought, but I love this world, I love being alive, I love music and thinking way too much to let them go. People try to comfort me by saying "don't worry, you won't feel a thing, so it won't bother you". That does not make it the least bit easier, it makes it worse. I want to be bothered, I want to feel and think. Maybe not for eternity, but until I think I have seen enough, until I think I am ready to let go of this life, and can leave with a satisfied mind. Still, one should not let any fear to paralyze. You must always live on, float through this sleepy, but irresistable river of life, enjoy it as long as it carries you..Because one day it won't.