tiistai 20. joulukuuta 2011

On a path to recovery...

I am a product of my time. After school I used to go to the religiously nuanced daycare, which was pretty much what one could expect in a small town such as the one I grew up in. It was the definition of what Freire referred to as "banking". The teacher is the highest authority, pourin her information into our brain like we'd be her safety deposit, the hidden account for the rainy days to come. I did not believe in god, not even at age six. Still, it defined on how I see the world. They taught me to see the fatalist, determinist world, that had an beginning, and has an certain, already decided ending.

Christian religion of course refers to this as a big plan, which is usually enough to justify the white man's burden, the fact that weak and poor people do not suffer becouse of the colonialization of the whole fucking world, but simply becouse god wants them to. What kind of god would like to see over 90% of his children suffer till their inevitable but slow deaths? I mean not suffer like we here suffer, me and my first world problems of either combing or brushing my hair. I'm not even talking about starving and diseases, those cliches are too cheap shots. I'm talking about how we treat eachother, get hooked on drugs and start raisin' hell in our own communities. It's just shitting to the very bowl you're supposed to eat from. And not only you, but your whole family and friends too. Of course this is easier if you never had a family and all people just spit on you becouse they believe their god wants you to be less fortunate...

This fatalist attitude prevents all kind of change, becouse it is all "part of the plan". We live in a world of chaos, endless amount of possibilities to choose from and to turn down every second. I believe this world is unfinished, in complete, in constant motion. Still when I think of the lineage of my own life, I tend to strive for determinist path. I have just realised that I fear determinism. I love my freedom, I love this freedom to choose everything, but in that freedom, I carry the fear of losing it too. What if this freedom is just delusion, and my life is already set? What if I do all these things with such a hurry becouse I'm destined to die young? If that is unconsciously driving me forward to live a lifetime faster? I mean, the way I got out of my teenage nihilism at the age of seventeen, which usually seems to be the highest peak with such behavior (well, actually it usually goes well over the twenties, near thirties before people start waking up from their daydreams of endless wrath and realize they are going to die bitter and hated by their fellow mortals.)

Still how I act in this world lies on the basis of freedom. What I do and how I do is completely based on the ideal of being free to choose, and not wanting to regret all the shit I did not wright. My mind has just been damaged and traumatized in such an early age it will probably take a long time to completely heal, wash all the determinist stains away. I'm self-reflecting in public. I know, it's like masturbating in women's clothing, but I don't think I care that much. I never have, becouse if I did, I never would have done a single one of the things I've done since the age of 16. So I know i'm on a right path, and that many people are not this lucky. Cheers to humanity.

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