I was listening to some Peter Dolving Band (song Dirty Words, to be accurate), and it got me thinking. Why am I doing this? Why am I, and so many others throwing all their money and free time on something as indefinete and vague as this entity we call music? And more importantly, why do most give up and drop out? Throughout my short but somewhat eventful life I've seen many of my friends, "enemies" and kids who just didn't matter start a band and do some music, but by now most of them have just given up and started their "life". I think I don't lie if I say that 70 % of these kids have now "grown up", meaning they may have taken some loans and have a job they can settle for. When I think of such life, I can't help feeling resentment. I instantly know that it is something I could never do. I believe the ones who stick with this shit must think alike. Although all the people I've really spoken with do. I know that there's still some, who deep inside think they're going to be famous one day, they'll have a big ass house and nice chicks on their feet, but I think most of the dudes and dudettes playing punk or metal today understand, that it will not happen in this life. I hope they do.
It's bullshit when they say you can not live with this sort of music. It's all about what you are willing to settle for. When I go to the welfare program and tell them I play in two bands, and that goes beyond anything else in my life, first question is always "DO YOU GOT SOME MONEY OUT OF IT!?" I laugh at them and tell that even if they'd pay me some money for the next ten years, they wouldn't even get close to the amount of money it already has taken, so no, I don't make money out of it. It is something I have a pure, relentless drive for. I'd rather do nothing else. I'll be throwing my money and time away for this for life. This is my passion, the only thing I think I do moderate work at, and the only "job" I think I can stand for more than a year. In fact, I don't mind not getting money at all, becouse I am not comfortable around money. I hate the fact that in order to live you need money. You can't squat a house or steal food to live, or you are breaking the law. Just to let you know, if I ever have to go to such measures, I fucking will. But if the state makes living without money "illegal", in my eyes they are bound to keep me alive. I could do without this whole system, but you make it impossible. So be it.
Some drop out. This is still strange to me, becouse it always makes me sad. I've seen many gifted musicians just give up on playing, and start doing something which to me seems to be a waste of such talent. People who actually would have had something to give in form of music. Usually they start drinking a lot. These are the bums at you bus stops telling you stories about how they used to play and do stuff when they were young. And most of you never believe that such beast could have done anything with their life. I believe. And usually I listen to these outcasts. Becouse although I don't drink alcohol, I know that there's a great chance that one day I'll be just like them. Towards these people I have some pity for. They we're fucked. But for those who give up and "move on" with their lives, get a job and family and grow up. Well, some of you just weren't supposed to do this shit anyway, becouse most of you just sucked and the rest of you were just in to get chicks, so fuck you. But those who actually had something to give and still gave up, I just want you to know that at the times I think of you, and feel really bad. And yet happy for myself, for the music has taken me to cool places already, and I hope it will take me around the world at least three times before this globe decides we have tried to rape it long enough, and engulfs us all.